Josh’s Stagnant Life

it has been a long long time since I wrote anything here…a lot has happened since 2007 started…not saying that there were any pleasant memories but hey, my life is fantastically screwed up and it is all my own doing….yes, I deserve every single thing that is happening to me because I just cannot stop lying…and especially lying to the one that I love the most…

Ever since the start of 2007, I have been doing everything possible to try to win her heart back…everything that I can do, I have done it..probably to her, it will never be enough compared to the sacrifices she made for me for the past 2 years. Yes, I would admit, she has done a lot for me, much much more than any other person has ever done for me before. Screwing up the relationship was the biggest mistake and regret in my life. Everyone goes through stages in life…some learning things faster than others…no one is perfect…I was ignorant and stupid in the past 2 years…now, I am beginning to change but it is probably too little too late already because the way that she is treating me now, it really hurts a lot…BUT, more importantly, this is happening because i DESERVE it…

salvaging things between us is already an uphill task without other people trying to add their say in what happens between me and her…you individuals know exactly who you are but in this world, there is something called FREEDOM OF SPEECH so it is not up to me to prevent those individuals from saying out things. whatever it is worth, I deserve every single bit of it and of whatever I am getting.

With her, whatever I say, whatever I do, every single move I make, it is always under scrunity. I have never made any effort in the past for her to believe nor place any trust in me. Maybe there was a time that she placed a lot of trust in me but I took it for granted and violated the trust and everything that she had in me. I am trying to change now but it does not seem to work because everything that she says to me is either sarcastic or cold or questioning even if is it the truth I am sprouting out.

What has happened to me today is all my own doing…I cannot stress that enough because this is not about me whinning or thinking that I did not do anything wrong or anything. I am trying to change and probably it is too late to change because nothing i say nor do helps anymore…

I am such a failure and loser in life…failing my course in uni, incurring additional costs flying all over the place…being the irresponsible asshole that I have become…I have really disappointed my parents and like someone once said to me, that person pities my parents for having a son like me…guess what, it is the truth because I also pity my parents for having a useless son like me…

anyway, signing off now…it has been an eventful 2 months…how the next few months will turn out, it is really difficult to say….sighhhh…ciao romano….

[Verse:]
It’s kinda crazy baby,
How i remember things, (like where you came from and how you had nothin)
I went and made you flyy,
Putextras on ya ride, (didnt miss a birthday now u cant even remember mine)

[Hook:]
U made it clear to me (you wasn’t down for me),
(I may be blind baby) but now I see,
(you had things up your sleeve, dont even lie to me) I even heard it 4rm yo family,

[Chorus:]
How could you let somebody lay where I layed?
How could you give him everything that we made?
How could you call him all the names thaat u used to call me?
HOw could You How Could You just forget bout me?
How Could You teach him all the things I thought You?
How Could You put him up to the Ghetto Karmasutra?
How Could You put me in the back and give him the front seat?
How Could You How Could You just forget bout me?

[Verse:]
You must be out ya mind,
YOu got alot of nerve (to think that im gone chill after at tha shyt i heard),
I damn near carried you,
could’ve married you,
Good thing i found out b4 i bought that 7karate for ya,
(i kno ur sick about) the way i found you out,
(GO head and pack it out) I hope he got romance in his house,
You should have thought of me b4 u hopped in the sheets,
Damn I cant believe that u did this to me

[chorus]

[bridge:]
Girl i tried to give u everything,
Can’t believe the ways u repaid me,
Girl u had it all,
But i guess my all wasn’t good enough for you,
Baby I’ve accepted it,
And i aint gone trip,
Girl im movin on,
Sometimes i give up and think that another mans gonna get the one thats in for me

[chorus]

How cold you how could you just go and lay there,
How could you how could just give him everything,
How could you how could you call him names like that,
How could you babe?
How could you babe?
How could you how could you teach him everything?
How could you how could you put him to the ghetto kramasutra?

This song is for someone that is very dear to my heart and whom I have really let her down till the extend that she HATES my guts. This is what I would sing to you.

When you called me up this morning,
Told me ’bout the new love you found,
I’m said "i’m happy for you,
I’m really happy for you."
Found someone else,
I guess i won’t be coming ’round.
I guess it’s over, baby;
It’s really over, baby, whoa…
And from what you said
I know you’ve gotten over me;
It’ll never be the way it used to be.
So if it’s gotta be this way,
Don’t worry, baby, i can take the news okay.

Yeah, that’s how it had to be.
I tell you i’m fine
But sometimes i just pretend;
Wish you were holding me,
Wish you were still holding me, whoa…
I just never thought,
That i would be replaced so soon;
I wasn’t prepared to hear those words from you.
I know i wanted to be free;
Yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

When you called me up this morning,
Told me ’bout the new love you found.
I said "i’m happy for you,
I’m really happy for you."

Take me as i am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here i stand, stand before you now
Deep inside i always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step i take forever more

Chorus:
Just say you’ll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and i don’t want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
’cause i can’t go on
No, i can’t go on
I can’t go on
If i’m on my own

Take me as i am
Put your heart in mine, stay with me forever
’cause i am just a man who never understood
I never had a thing to prove
Till there was you
You and me
Then it all came clear so suddenly
How close to you that i wanna be

Chorus:
Just say you’ll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and i don’t want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
’cause i can’t go on
No, i can’t go on
I can’t go on
If i’m on my own

Bridge:
Do you believe a love could run so stong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lovely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you’re all that i know

well, it is the end of the semester already…for some of us anyway…for others, it ends this friday…but oh wellz, 4-5 mths have just blitz passed so quickly it is not funny anymore…this really shows how fast time flies and it is not funny…

things have really been topsy turvy for me this sem, but hey, for those that know me since day 1, this is not something new hey…but oh wellz, every sem, i pray that i can pass the sem with NO dramas but somehow or rather, it does not turn out the way I think that it will….I really really hope that next year will be a totally UNEVENTFUL year for me…because I cannot take the stress and shit that comes with it anymore…made some realisations in the past week which I totally never expected to even think until like that…guess things are never really meant to be between us….like someone said, things that we say to each other are like daggers, hurting each other in every possible way…I don’t know why things are the way that they are but this is the way that it is, 3 months have passed and yet, it still happens, I don’t know why but it just does happen…oh wellz….SIGH!!!!!

heyo!!!!been awhile since I last blogged….well, the past 2 days (Sat & Sun) has been full of drama here and there….

hmmm, let’s begin with Sat, was Nic’s 21st birthday celebration…thanks to beautiful planning by Jess, everything went thru without a hitch…well almost everything….we got lost for starters….could not find that place @ all…SJ did some initial D shit in his car….Wilson’s car encounter some MINOR problems but all these sort of things, could not dampen the spirit and the mood of everyone…went to Milton to cut the birthday cake…once again, THANKS to Jess, she made all of this possible because without her, I think it would not have been possible…. all of us chilled out @ milton talking and stuff, it was all good fun…

now Sunday, began as a relatively nua day, cleaned up the hse and went for a swim with Wilson, Danny, Jonathan, Taro, Mel & Kailin….then Jo & SJ came back from Uni to join in the fun…Water Polo was top on the agenda since we did not get to play soccer and ME being the "SMART" one, tried to throw the ball which was a BLOOODY move….dislocated my shoulder again…this is like the 2nd time this year…however, this was worst than the rest probably because this time, it dislocated fully….Taro and Danny tried their best to pop it back into place which was not possible….so we ended up having to head to the hospital.

First stop: Ipswich Hospital - which was shit because they actually wanted me to wait for don’t know how bloody long and I was like dying from PAINNNNNNNNNNNN.

Second stop: St. Andrew’s Hospital - this place actually wanted me to make a bloody appointment, which was available was @ 11pm only…can you actually believe it…I would have to suffer in PAIN for a few hours.

Third Stop: Wesley Hospital (Auchenflower) - now, finally after a gruelling 30 min car ride from Ipswich, managed to reach there in one piece…they tended to me IMMEDIATELY and within the hour, my shoulder was back in place and everything was good…WOOHOOO!!!!

now, this clearly shows how bloooody shitty Ipswich is…don’t get me wrong, I like staying here BUT if you get into any shit that requires you to head to the hospital, Ipswich is the bloody last place that you want to be at…their medical efficiency is CRAP!!!!!! I think if you were bleeding profusely, they will also bloody ask you to wait ar….which by the time they attend to you, I think you lost about 3/4 of your bloody blood….well whatever it is, now it is all good…would like to seriously THANK Wilson, SJ, Johan & Danny for going thru all that shit with me…thanks to them, I am still in one piece…and thanks to Jess for helping Wilson to get names of hospitals I could actually go too…

Well, I am going to be extremely careful from now bcoz my shoulder is officially worth AU$220 now…and it is not cheap, so I really have to watch out from now on..

hmmmm have not blogged in awhile…the past few days have basically been total crap for me…haven’t been in the very best of moods so would explain my gloomy behaviour…

started with the misunderstanding regarding the moon cake festival and basically, everything snowballed from there on out…friends all moving out of Unilink and I am practically stucked here…Yes, I probably do have a choice to still wanna move out, I can lie to my parents and stuff…but IF they ever find out…I will never hear the end of it…that’s for sure…

had a good long talk with Jess last nite…somehow or rather, she managed to straighten my thoughts out and everything…yupz, probably does not feel very good after hearing what people tell me are my faults…I am probably angry because I choose not to accept what they say but if I continue like that…I am basically going downhill from there on out…wallowing in self-pity will get me no where and as another good friend put on his nick: Stubborness hinders personal growth, get rid of the "face" and face reality mate!. sometimes, I really wonder, am I really that stubborn to the extent that people hate me for me….I know jolly well how stubborn I can be but that is something that I find it hard to change…whatever is it, things are changing, another of my good friend, whom I known since the first day in Ipswich is graduating soon, in another year, and yea, he is one of them moving out too…for all those that know me, I am not someone to hold people back…and of course, I never said anything to him about it…I don’t think I intend too because I was the one who sort of enticed him to move in the first place….funny how things turn out yeah…

anyway, I would like to apologise to all my friends regarding the last few days…as usual, I always let my moods get the better of me…I think locking myself in does not really do me any good. I know that I have friends that care for me, and for me to behave in such a way is just ridiculous…oh wellz, I will probably learn it the hard way one day when my friends really desert me….but anyway, once again, I AM SORRY for the way I have acted the past few days…and hope that I don’t step on anyone’s toes from now on…SORRY!!!

*thank you for everything, really appreciate it, hugz*

the exam draft timetable is out already…woohoo!!! it is that time of the year again when everyone prays and hopes feverishily that their exams are finished early so that they can head back home early…well, lucky for me, I finish on the 13th of Nov. but somehow or rather, I am not really that excited…I mean yeah, woohoo, I finish so early but still….I mean…I was excited a few months back about going back early, all the CHEAP CHEAP food @ home…and running out of moolah…but NOW, somehow, don’t really think I am that excited anymore…oh wellz…time files, been here for almost 1 year already…things have changed so much and pretty much everyone’s lives have changed….

well the 1st batch of people that I knew here, pretty much by the end of this year, they will be GONE already…graduating and going back home, for good I think…Uncle Lawerence and Ah Beng…that will only leave Wilson, Mel, Peijuan & Myself (sorry if I missed anyone out) left…this shows how fast time files…oh wellz…the time will come for everyone to go back home ba….

anyway, today suffered a double blow…and on top of my presentation tomolo, I think I was practically stuffed from 3pm onwards….my mood lvl just went from 10 to negative 100000000. darn it…but oh wellz…next year, happening brissy ppl, plz rmb to come visit me in ulu old ipswich yea…and congrats to my bro for scoring damm well in the FM mid-sem exam…good on ya mate…. anyway, going to crash now…long day ahead tomolo….

been awhile since I last blogged…although the last post was a song that I hold dear to my heart, has a lot of special meaning to me…but hey, that was just a simple cut and paste…

finally headed up to Sydney last weekend…was a 12 hour drive up but damm, it was fun…the entire trip was finalise within 24 hours…how impromptu is that for a getaway considering Syd. is like 900 km away. Wanted to rented a MPV so that us 7 guys (Wilson, Shaun, Leslie, Zailiang, Johan, Danny & Myself) could just relax in 1 vehicle and talk a lot of crap in the car….but that plan could not happen because there was no more MPVs available so we had to settle for 2 seperate vehicles. However that is much more fun, thanks to the GPS system that Kelvin so kindly lend us, we were able to tackle the "mountain passes" initial D style…Shaun had shit loads of fun with that to the extend that Johan and Danny (his St. Pat buddies) were clinging on for dear life…hahaha…whereas Wilson was desperately following in his footsteps and succeeded to a certain extent, thanks to his co-driver, Zailiang…hahaha…was trying to get to sleep but Wilson was "throwing" the car all over the bloody shop but hey, I still managed to get some shut eye, considering I drove for 3 hours….

anyway in Syd, my lovely godparents offered us accomodation for 1 night and Godma cooked great food for us….it was absolutely wonderful…thank you Godpa and Godma from all of us for putting up 7 guys in the house and they all commented how at home they felt while staying there…anyway, did not get to do much shopping in Syd but walked around for a bit, sight-seeing and all. Also, I got to meet up with my best bud. from Darwin, Justin. Man, has he put on some serious weight…gotten chubby, especially around the face area…life is really treating him good hey….hahahaha….Well, experienced the clubbing scene in Syd. went to this place called Space, and it was like underground rave party style…had to take a life up to the actual party place which was pretty cool…really something different compared to Brisbane….

well the mid-sem break is coming to an end and it is like 1 month to go before exams finally begin…not that I am very thrilled but hey, finally able to go home to the wonderful and cheap food in Singapore that I sorely miss….3 months in Singapore…I got to seriously look for a job so that I don’t end up being a professional bum as well as try to earn some cash so that HOPEFULLY, I can get to have my own ride next year….*prays* another year before I graduated and that is going to pass real fast…what is the next step that I am going to take in life???well, only time will tell….will update about Kandy soon people so hold your horses yea…till then…ciao ciao….

Staring at the moon, so good
Turning all my thoughts to you
I was without hopes or dreams
Trapped to die and never scream
But you, saw it through

Walking on a math of fear
See your faces everywhere (see your faces everywhere)
As you melt this hottest stone
You take my hand to guide me home
And now, I’m in love

Chorus
You took my heart away
When my whole world was grey
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it’s cold at night
And you sleep by my side

You’ve become the meaning of my life

Faring in a world so cold (faring in a world so cold)
You are there to warm my soul (you are there to warm my soul)
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start
And now, I’m in love

Chorus

Holding your hand
I won’t fear tomorrow
Here where we stand
We’ll never be alone

Chorus

You’ve become the meaning of my life
You’ve become the meaning
You’ve become the meaning of
Our life